Sticking my middle finger up, craft-style

Yesterday was a Bad Day. Having woken up on the wrong side of the bed, with the wrong hormones, I was in no mood to be taking any crap from anyone. By lunch time I was in such a foul, angry mood that I decided that it would be best to go for a run to get out of the house for a while and to clear my head. Bad idea. Not only was it a struggle and extremely muddy, but I got heckled by some idiots in a lorry and came home angrier than when I left and covered in half of Wandle Park.

However, one thing that did amuse me through all of this was the subject of this weekend’s craft project. Cross stitch isn’t new to me by any means but  the patterns are just so bloody cutesy, full of supposedly inspirational and motivational slogans, fluffy animals and twee scenery. My old flatmate was into doing cross stitch and displaying it round the house. There was no negotiation on it – she was displaying it in a communal area no matter what you thought of it. It was like living at your granny’s.

This is why Subversive Cross Stitch was such a breath of fresh air. You keep the tweeness, but keep a bit of edge with a rude (or sometimes downright offensive) tagline.

Last year my good friend and colleague Jess got a bit angry when on the phone with a salesman. Until this point Jess had been quite mild mannered and polite at work, but she must have been truly riled that day because she finished the phone call by telling him to shove it up his clacker (and this was exactly how I felt after being heckled this weekend). Everybody heard and everybody laughed. Since that day, Jess has not been allowed to forget what she said…

…And she’s not going to be able to for a long time either, because I’ve immortalised the line with some subversive cross stitch of my own!

Shove it up your clacker progress

A work in progress

The project was quick and easy – I found a cross stitch alphabet and some cartoon flowers online, printed off some graph paper and designed it up on Friday night after Guides. Earlier that day I popped down to John Lewis and got some 14 count aida, an embroidery hoop and a job lot of embroidery floss (£5.50 for about 25 colours – bargain) and I went on my merry way.

I messed up in a few places. The flower might look a bit wonky and that’s because I missed out an entire row and had to redesign the flower’s face mid-project. There’s a reason they call it counted cross-stitch and that’s because you need to be able to count in order to do it. I obviously can’t.

Anyway, I’m quite pleased with the overall effect. I just need to frame it and give it to Jess now. And hope that she sees the funny side.

Shove it up your clacker finished

Rubbish quality photo, but you get the idea

Would I do another project like this? Not any time soon. It was nice for a change, but it’s still not something I would display in my own house. Excellent for a joke though.


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